There were once two young people: a woman and a man. They were both of average intelligence, average looks, and had an average net wealth. In fact, the only way they were not mediocre was in their love of literature.
It was autumn, nearing the holidays, and because these two were of only average intelligence, they were having trouble coming up with new ideas for gifts. They loved their family and friends, but were stuck firmly in a cycle of cliched gift ideas (sweaters, socks, Starbucks gift cards, more sweaters, DVDs).
One day, within seconds of each other -- these two lived on other sides of the country and had no interaction with or relation to each other -- they decided they were going to think outside the box and come up with the most amazing Christmas gift for their significant other (They chose one, thinking that getting amazing gifts for others might prove to be too much -- mom and dad would have to just live with another sweater).
The man decided to go somewhere he'd never been: the red light district. He searched high and low for lingerie and sex gifts, something to make his girlfriend love him more than she loved breathing. No, another gift card for a day at the spa would not suffice. Through the dark alleys and dens of vice he went looking for something, anything, to get for the love of his life. Then he found it, he found the most lewd, sexy, lascivious gift in the entire world, and was sure his honey would love it.
The woman wanted a gift for her husband. He'd asked for a flat screen and a three way, but she could not afford the former, and was repulsed by the latter. So she thought, and thought, and thought, and thought, until finally she decided to open up her computer and check her email. She got to surfing the internet, stopping here to look at videos, dawdling there to look at necklaces and jewelry for herself. And then she came across www.gatherkindling.com. And she saw that Kindling had gift subscriptions. For $24 dollars she could give her husband an amazing Christmas gift. But there was more, because at that rate she could afford subscriptions for everybody! EVERYONE WOULD GET KINDLING FOR CHRISTMAS!! She was so happy, she could barely contain herself; she did not know how she would keep it a secret until Christmas.
Eventually Christmas came. The man took his wife, sat her down on the sofa and brought out the gifts. He was so happy, so proud. He'd placed the gift in a large box, and wrapped it with gold paper and a red ribbon. He was trembling with excitement as she opened it.
But when she opened it, she was trembling with a different emotion: rage. Her heart felt like it had been turned inside out. She grabbed a bronzed ornamental pear from their coffee table and hucked it at his head, striking him on the bridge of the nose and rendering him bleeding and unconscious. She then dragged him out into the street, stripped him naked, and wrote pervert all over his body with her lipstick. His gift was placed next to him on the lawn.
Later, he was still unconscious. He was carried away by some meth cooks looking for a little extra score -- they left the gift he'd gotten for his wife. They kept him in their trailer, tied to the toilet, while they schemed in the living room about how they could demand a ransom. It was difficult, as neither of them knew how to write, let alone craft a ransom note. As they were arguing, with large hand gestures about the importance of a few words, a batch of meth that they had left unattended exploded, killing the both of them as well as their hostage.
The woman on the other hand, was thrown a parade by her neighborhood. She got gift subscriptions to Kindling for everybody and was given the key to the city.
Moral? We'll let you decide the moral. And when you figure it out head on over to our subscriptions page, and make yourself right with the world.
No comments:
Post a Comment