Hey, It's October

Many of you are probably wondering where your first issue is. Well, it's just about on its way. There was a very minor dispute with Joyce Carol Oates.

We wanted her to submit a piece; she didn't. We said Joyce, it's 250 words, which is essentially 1/100th of what you write in a day. She said no. Actually, she didn't say anything. She didn't return our calls. Or our letters. Or our text messages. Or our calls to her family friends. What followed was a minor thing, totally innocuous. There was no reason for her to involve the authorities.

We stood outside of her window and threw pebbles. When that didn't work we took the Cusack Approach and held a boombox over our head. When that didn't work we hired a skywriter, which, in hindsight would have never worked because it was 1:28 in the morning (that was the worst 3 grand we ever spent).  Finally she came out. She acted pissy and annoyed and sleepy. Demanding 10 grand.

That was when the cops showed up, and were very aggressive with their billy clubs and Tasers. These are scars that will never heal, by the way, though they were not as painful as JCO's rejection.

So the point to all of this? The point is that you should blame Joyce Carol Oates for you not receiving your issue of Kindling on October 1st. Boycott all her books until she agrees to submit to us for free. And a secondary point is this: the first issue Kindling will be mailed soon to subscribers and contributors.

(Oh, and before you get all self-righteous and defensive. Saying: Joyce Carol Oates is the face of American fiction. She's a saint. Don't ever make fun of that magnificent woman. Know this: she sprayed us in the eyes with mace, and then, while we were writhing on the ground, she bit us about the ankles and knees until the cops showed up. She's a madwoman and completely undeserving of your sympathy.)

PS -- If you're reading this, Joyce, we love you. I know we were saying otherwise when you were attacking us for being normal, if slightly ambitious souls, but The Falls changed our lives.